"I can't find it" MEANS: It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I am completely clueless.
"That's women's work" MEANS: it's difficult, dirty, and thankless.
"Will you marry me?" MEANS: both of my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there's no peanut butter left.
"It's a guy thing." MEANS: there's no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.
"Can I help with dinner?" MEANS: why isn't it already on the table?
"It would take too long to explain" MEANS: I have no idea how it works.
"I'm getting more exercise lately" MEANS: the batteries in the remote are dead.
"We're going to be late." MEANS: I have a legitimate reason for driving like a maniac.
"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard." MEANS: I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.
"That's interesting dear." MEANS: are you still talking?
"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love." MEANS: I forgot our anniversary again.
"You expect too much from me." MEANS: You expect me to stay awake?
"It's really a good movie." MEANS: It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and naked women.
"You know how bad my memory is." MEANS: I remember the words to the theme song of every TV show, the address of the first girl I kissed, and the vehicle identification number of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.
"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses." MEANS: the girl selling them on the corner was a real babe and was wearing a bikini.
"Hey, I've got reasons for what I'm doing." MEANS: what did you catch me at?
"She's one of those rabid feminists." MEANS: she refused to make me coffee.
"I heard you." MEANS: I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and hope I can fake it well enough, so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me.
"You know I could never love anyone else." MEANS: I am used to the way YOU yell at me, and realize it could be worse.
"You really look terrific in that outfit." MEANS: Please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving.
"I brought you a present." MEANS: It was free ice scraper night at the ball/hockey game.
"This relationship is getting too serious." MEANS: I like you almost as much as I like my truck.
"I don't need to read the instructions." MEANS: I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help.
"I missed you." MEANS: I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry, and we're out of toilet paper.
The Next Survivor Series: Six married men will be dropped on an island
with 1 car and 4 kids each, for 6 weeks. Each kid plays two sports and
either takes music or dance classes. There is no access to fast food. Each
man must take care of his 4 kids, keep his assigned house clean, correct
all homework, complete science projects, cook, do laundry, etc. The men
only have access to television when the kids are asleep and all chores
are done. There is only one TV between them and there is NO REMOTE. The
men must shave their legs, wear makeup daily, which they must apply themselves,
either while driving or while making four lunches. They must attend weekly
PTA meetings; clean up after their sick children at 3:00 a.m.; make an
Indian hut model with six toothpicks, a tortilla and one marker; and get
a 4-year-old to eat a serving of peas. The kids vote them off the island,
based on performance. The last man wins, only if he has enough energy to
be intimate with his spouse at a moment's notice. The last man does win,
he can play the game over and over again for the next